The Price of 'What If'

I recently had a chance to catch up with an old friend that I haven’t seen in years. We met ages ago in class at the University of Kentucky (which neither of us finished) in Lexington, KY (where neither of us stayed). But while we were still starry-eyed coeds we had so many plans, from opening an aviary together to having double weddings and making sure our children went to school together and grew up to be best friends. 20 is a great age for making plans. 30 is a great age to be grateful if those plans didn't pan out.

Now we’re both 32, never married and without children, and both of us have managed to find success in our own ways despite not finishing college. And though we both have parrots, neither of us ever went on to open that aviary (Flights of Fancy, we wanted to call it). Our chat was too short for having been apart for so long, but after we laughed about the silly ideas we had of what our lives would be like before the realities of stress, taxes, and cellulite, she asked me a very important question.

Em: “Do you ever wonder ‘what if…’?”
Me: “I write fantasy. It’s my job to wonder What If… Everything.”

I was being glib at the time, but I really should have given more thought to her question and given her the kind of answer it deserved. The truth is, ‘What If?’ is the price I paid for everything that I am today and everything that I have ever written.

Every decision we make, no matter how large or small, closes the doors to infinite possibilities labeled ‘What If,’ and behind those hide all of the other lives we might have led. It’s easy to imagine what those doors might look like; in my case, I picture them standing in a long Wonka-style hall dwindling away to a tiny speck at the end. Incidentally, the carpet is purple. I’m tempted to visit my earliest What Ifs for fun, like the one that would have led me to a life of hardened crime if I’d chosen to play the Baroness instead of Lady Jaye or Scarlett when we played GI Joes as kids. Or maybe the What If from those days in college when I decided to sidetrack my dream of writing by giving up on my English major and declaring Business instead out of a sensible fear of starvation. It’s so tempting to open those doors again… but the price you pay to make that choice is the same you paid for this one. Open another door and the one behind you shuts forever.

Granted, that was a fairly gross generalization (the kind I’d normally hate to read, let alone write) and if I dwelt on that analogy for too long I’d end up frozen in a decision-paralysis and even the Hershey bar vs. Snickers choice at the vending machine would send me into a drooling fit. But sometimes taking an idea to an extreme is useful because it helps prevent you from taking the more moderate consequences for granted. And here’s the kicker:

It’s every bit as true in writing as it is in life. 

Were you wondering how much longer before I turned this into a post about writing? I held off longer than I thought possible. But think about it… As writers we write life the way we see it (or would like to see it) and we have no less difficult decisions ahead of us than the characters we create. There have been so many times in the past that I've wrestled with some plot problem or another and finally moved on, convincing myself that it was minor enough that I could work it out later. Well, guess what? It turns out that there are no minor plot problems.

Those problems represent decisions that need to be made because every element in your story line is dependent on the rest. And if it isn't, then in all likelihood you have extraneous fodder sneaking into your story that needs to be gutted to make your novel tighter. Making the right decisions early on is crucial to completing your vision and making sure your ‘What Ifs’ don’t haunt your characters on their journey to the end you want them to have; the doors that you might inadvertently close with a hasty/easy choice might not even be evident until you’re ¾ of the way through your book! Unlike in real life, we do have that wonderful thing known as The Second Draft where we can reopen the doors we needed and perfect the journey. But could anything be more magical than getting all the way through your First Draft and discovering that because you were careful in your decisions and true to your vision, you don’t have to rewrite almost everything?

And be sure that this is a ‘Do as I say, not as I do’ kind of moment for me. Having completed only four full novels, it might be four or forty more before I can master that trick in my outlining. I may be aware now of the importance of these issues that I usually ignored, but I’m also about to delve into a heavy rewrite for my 2nd draft of Tilt because I had never given any credence to it before. So to quote the sagest advice we ever receive as kids, “Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.” - Some real American heroes.

The Trouble With Smiting Envy

"And Lo, with my cart I shall smite thy ankles..."

I think all writers embed traits in their characters that they identify with on many levels whether or not we’re even aware that we’re doing it. Sure, we can make our characters noble, strong, and full of integrity and other do-gooder stuff. It’s always fun to write a hero because just about all of us spent hours in childhood running around with blanket-capes, make-shift swords, or feather duster magic wands rescuing neighbor kids or the family dog from some unthinkable dragon or other beast. As a kid, you dream about being the hero everyone loves. But then we grow up and start secretly dreaming about being the villain because at some point we discover that the bad guys really do have all the fun.  Think about it… how often during the day do you pause to daydream about saying what you REALLY want to say to that customer, or getting even with the jerk on the road, or saying something inappropriate to the 8-year old in the line behind you at Walmart that keeps banging your ankles with the cart while his mom plays on her iPhone?

If any of those last three scenarios ring true to you, then Congratulations: You’re well on your way to villainy! Maybe not on a world domination level, but you’re certainly not alone in your secret evil-doer desires. In fact, just last night Steven made me aware of one of my own villainous day dreams I've been living out through my writing, completely unaware (or in denial), of course. 

We were trying to leave Publix during rush hour and it turned into a game of Dodge the Idiot about to back into you, Dodge the Idiot about to walk into your car, and ended with sitting stuck behind the person who took a good 5 minutes to decide which way to turn. That trip gave me a fresh reason to curse someone on an average of every five seconds. And curse them I did! That was when Steven made the connection for me: “It’s a good thing you don’t have a smiting problem,” he said.

But oh, how I wish I did!

The smiting problem referenced is a constant growing pain of the young demi-goddess Trotter in my fantasy series. Her smiting finger has a mind of its own; anytime something frightens her or just particularly irritates her, her out-of-control powers decide to smite the offender for her. Usually it’s by accident. But Steven made me realize that I’ve been writing my own secret revenge dreams not into my villains, but into my hero! I’ve had a ton of fun writing about the smiting debacles, but with her it’s an unconscious reaction rather than a conscious intent to burst some annoying person into flames.

Maybe it’s because I managed to sneak my own villainous urges into my hero that I didn't recognize it for what it was – apparently my guilty subconscious pulled that one off right under my nose – but now that I've made that connection to Trotter, I feel like I’m more open to explore this dark side that I've already planted in her from my own evil roots. Even heroes blow up at people when they’re stressed (notice I said blow up AT people, not blow people up), so it might even help me make her a more tangible character as I work my way through this series. Nobody can believe in a perfect hero anymore, after all.

I think my next writing exercises are all going to involve putting her in some dark scenarios and letting her just do what comes naturally. Besides… I have to make a Walmart trip again soon and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of pent-up villainous urges to deal with J

Tomboy Diva

I’m a natural-born tomboy and I always have been. Give me a pair of jeans, cargo pants, a hippie-looking pull-over, or a tool belt and I’m right at home. Set me loose in a department store full of accessories and fashionable clothes and I’m likely to have a retail-induced panic attack. It’s probably the same way Captain Rogers felt when he walked out into modern day Manhattan surrounded by strange and alien modern contraptions.

Yes, this is me at my best. 

So why am I suddenly obsessing over clothes, nails, jewelry and hair for next week? The biggest thing that has ever happened to me in my LIFE is happening next week (I can still say this is the ‘biggest’ because I haven’t gotten around to popping the question to Steven yet). My first novel hits the shelves on Tuesday, and on Thursday we’re heading down to Miami for the book launch at the Miami Book Fair. What I should be thinking about is honing my pitch, being sure I’m ready to discuss every aspect with it, having at least 20 quick answers for ‘What’s it about?’ and generally just being professional and prepared.

Instead, I've been digging through my cabinets for make-up that I haven’t worn in ages and trying to perfect the ‘author look,’ as if there even is such a thing. I’m even going shopping again tonight (albeit at Mountain High Outfitters) to try to find the perfect shirt of the Prana persuasion. My nails are perfectly purple, and I even had my hair dyed at a salon for the first time in about 4 years. Though, I have to admit I’m really enjoying that last part; not seeing the gray for a change is nice.

I've been thinking about this completely out-of-character recent behavior of mine and I’m no longer afraid that I’m suddenly turning from a die-hard tomboy to a prissy prom queen. It was a concern at first, especially considering I don’t have enough room in my closet to support a shoe habit, but then the zits started popping up and two things happened. First, I howled like said prom queen upon finding zits the morning of prom. Not little bitty ones, either. Big, painful, red welts on my cheek of the sort I haven’t had since high school. Horrifying timing, of course. Second, I realized that they were the physical manifestation of the stress I've apparently been channeling into the ‘Gossip Girl’ kind of persona I've been wearing lately. *Note: I hope that’s a good analogy. I've never actually seen an episode of ‘Gossip Girl,’ but the title and commercial strikes me as the type of show where shallow reigns and geek stains.*

I’m not prone to stress, so I guess it’s not surprising that I’d been suppressing the reaction until the cauldron of stress and chocolate started bubbling over with some odd side effects. And now that I recognize what’s going on with me, I can at least start getting my head straight. So I’m nervous. Big deal, right? I SHOULD be nervous, but most of all excited and satisfied that my years of working on my writing have finally begun to pay off in the way that I've always dreamed. But on that road I’m going to experience my first public bad reviews, my first nerve-wracking appearances, and I’m going to have to learn to be a more social and outgoing person. Normally I like to hide at the back of a room and sneak out before anyone realizes I’m there. Not in the creepy Unabomber way; more like the awkward wallflower way.

So yes, there is plenty of reason for me to be nervous and anxious, but there is plenty of reason for me to be proud and confident as well. I’m still going to go shopping tonight, but I’m not going to obsess like I have been. I’m going to relax and have fun. I’m going to make fantastic new memories and meet incredible new people along the way. I've worked hard to get where I am and I’m going to continue to work hard and take this new direction as far as humanly possible.

And it all starts with showing up and being comfortable with myself next week in Miami, no matter how many pimples I get.  Besides... that’s why God invented Photoshop.

The Sit-Down-Shut-Up Method

Sit down and shut up.  No, no, I didn’t mean you. I meant me. This is my process, you see.

At least, it was.

I tend to be very easily distracted by just about anything; noises from outside, noises from inside, cats needing cuddles, sparkly motes of dust floating by the window (oh, look at that one!)... This has led to many challenges in finding a writing process that works for me. There have been a few iterations in the past involving everything from blaring Atari Teenage Riot or recorded heartbeats to timed brainstorming and word association games. Not surprisingly, most of these didn’t work. Let’s take a look at a few of my past attempts...

1.       The old Drown-Out-The-World method. It’s safe to call this one my default method with a few variations. This is what I always return to when nothing else I’ve tried has helped my sad level of focus. I’ve used white noise, thunderstorm sounds, loud repetitive rage music, trance music, non-vocal jazz, loud fans + music, and even some of the kooky alpha- wave beats from YouTube. The result? I just end up humming along and not writing. 

2.       The mind-focusing game method. This was one I picked up out of some forum that I thought might have merit. The idea is to start focusing on a problem or a strategy (anything from Free Cell to Risk) and let your brain naturally start weeding out distractions for you before your writing session begins. I’m sure it probably does work for some writers out there, but for me it just led to hours wasted because apparently strategy games are my digital crack.

3.       The cardio method. This one is pretty much exactly what it sounds like and it probably came from the same forum as the above failed method.  Basically I was supposed to do 20-30 minutes of any form of cardio and it was supposed to have a dual effect: Eliminate physical stress allowing me to mentally relax, and flush some unknown toxins (possibly the beer) from my blood stream to let me think more clearly and without distraction.  The problem? If I could make myself do cardio I’d still be in last year’s pants.

4.       The reward method. This was the short-lived method in which I tried rewarding myself with chocolate for a high word count. Although it resulted in a lot of words written, it also meant erasing entire crappy chapters that were hastily written in a desire for chocolately satisfaction. Incidentally, it also coincided with the worst acne break-out since my teens and probably a big part of the reason I still can’t get into last year’s pants.

5.       The punishment method. Even more short-lived, this one was probably the silliest and most desperate I’ve tried. Anytime I found myself getting off-track and distracted whilst writing, I had to hold my breath until I finished a sentence. All I really got out of this was a bunch of very short sentences and a few dizzy spells.

Sad, isn’t it? However, all of the failed attempts at finding my own personal writing process did help lead me to one major discovery: Dealing with the external distraction isn’t my problem. In fact, since I sat down to write this blog I’ve darted off on about 10 other tasks that somehow popped into my mind and are not even tangentially related to this blog. I’ve been checking Facebook, re-checking Facebook, researching a hand-held vacuum cleaner, checking my bank account to see if my utility payment posted, Googling for a picture of a hobo spider, etc. I just plain can’t control myself.

I always thought that “Sit down and shut up” was the first step to writing, but it turns out that this might be my first obstacle to writing. Sitting down and shutting up is apparently handing the reins over to my brain and giving it carte blanche to start spinning its wheels wherever it wanted to go. Sometimes it trips over a good story element on the way, but usually it’s more like trying to walk 5 dogs on 5 leashes who all want to go a different direction. 

So it was with this in mind that I tried the exact opposite approach when I got to a road block in my writing this time. I stood up, walked around, and talked to myself about the book for about twenty minutes. Loudly (thankfully Steven wasn’t home so his doubts about my sanity still haven’t been confirmed). In this twenty minutes of talking to walls, cats, and houseplants I managed to advance three plot lines, flesh out a character that was giving me trouble, and devise a solution to a complicated plot problem that needed a big finish. By the time I sat back down to write I was ready to do backflips in excitement and I got another 1,500 words out in no time at all.

No more quiet time for me. Apparently there is nothing like the sound of your own voice to drown out your thoughts. Now I’ll talk to myself in the car, when I’m doing the dishes, in the shower, pretty much any time I’m alone. The only thing left that can't seem to drown out is the happy little chirping I keep hearing while I work out solution after solution aloud: “I found my process, yippee! I found my process, yippee! I found my process, yippee!”

Now that you've seen a few of my oddest attempts at methods, what are the strangest you've tried?

What I Learned During My Blogger Vacation

The Beginning – In Which I Apologize Profusely

I know, I know, I’ve been gone a very long time. I decided completely without warning to take the month of April off from blogging in order to catch up on projects and work at home and that was not very nice of me. What makes it worse is that during that time off I managed to not catch up on projects so much as I did on Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series. Color me obsessed, I admit it freely. I’m a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person.

The Climax – In Which You Avoid The Temptation To Make an Inappropriate Joke About This Quick Climax

I can at the very least say that, while my to-do list barely suffered a dent, I learned many small lessons during my blogging hiatus; some consequential to others. There are so many things I’d love to share with you, but I’ll kindly reduce it to a Top Ten list and spare you the juiceless details:

1. Groupon in my area seems to be obsessed with Hair Removal and Belly Dancing lessons.
2. If I keep making pots of tea I’m less likely to snack at work.
3. My bladder holds nowhere near 3 pots of tea.
4. Barn swallows would make excellent guided missiles during mating season.
5. My cat, who is afraid of EVERYTHING (including barn swallows), will go exploring and lead me on a miserable week-long search when he escapes the fence.
6. I can’t trust the estimated fuel range on my car.
7. When I trust the estimated fuel range on my car and consequently run out of gas, Mary Kay ladies are nice enough to stop and help out.
8. I now have a full new complement of much-needed Mary Kay products.
9. Installing tongue and groove pine on a ceiling is slow and painful work.
10. Tongue and groove ceilings – once the aches and pains of installation have passed – are freaking gorgeous.

The Dénouement – In Which A Promise Is Made

I wish I could promise that I would be a faithful blogger from now on, but as of right now the best I can promise (and deliver, anyway) is that I will do my very best to stick with my Thursday blogs. I entered the blogging world with high hopes and good intentions, but the reality of real-life juggling set in and I discovered that though the road to Hell is paved with those Good Intentions, the sign posts are all High Hopes.

However, I can leave you with the promise of a blog update tomorrow as well as an announcement. And no, begging me to tell will not work. You’ll just have to wait to see until tomorrow, and that’s when I’ll find out if you have forgiven me for my breach and come back to see what news I have to share.

Until then, friends, I will (hopefully) see you tomorrow!

You're in Trouble Now... She's Being Polite!

All Customer Service Employees need this book

Yes, I'm trying to stir the pot again.

I made the following statement on Facebook this week to see what reactions people would have: “There is a vast difference between being 'nice' and being 'polite.’” A few people, and I have to believe that they are among those rarities who are actually nice all of the time (yes, they do exist but I am unfortunately not one of them), argued that there is no difference between the two words. For most of the discussion, however, I found that people do tend to notice distinct differences between these two words and what they meant to them.

I bring this up for two reasons: 1) Being a word nerd, I’m fascinated by how two words meaning essentially the same thing conversationally (despite specific definitions) and used interchangeably so often can evolve to conjure such specific reactions, and 2) I realized that the ‘polite’ person that I was talking to on the phone was not a ‘nice’ person at all. In fact, I was pretty sure that she was giving me the finger while she was saying, “Bless your heart,” safely from her end of the phone line.

You probably grew up across the street from this lady

For those not familiar with southern sarcasm, ‘Bless your heart’ can sometimes be a meaningful expression of sympathy, but more often than not it’s a southern lady’s socially acceptable way of saying “Why the hell do you think I care?”

Now I’m wondering about my own responses to people and feeling slightly guilty. You know what I mean... The phone rings at work and, blast that caller ID, it’s one of those people you'd rather give extraneous body parts than have to deal with. But, since you have a job to do for which you are being paid, on goes that plasticine smile with the glazed eyes as you say, “No, you’re no problem at all, really, how can I help you?” All the while your imagination is dreaming up scenarios in which it would be acceptable for you to scream “Go away already you horrible person!”

See? Polite, but not nice.

Now that I’ve given you the set up, what do you think? What do these two words mean to you? 

Life Beyond the Glare

I came across this entry in one of my favorite geek blogs: Kill Your Cable And Habit (Note: if you don't receive newsletters from Steven Savage you're missing out on some seriously good stuff). The first thing I wanted to do was cheer in the knowledge that YES there are others out there who have also said goodbye to television programming dependency.

Hi. My name is Ashley. I haven't had a drop of cable TV since spring of 2006.

Do I feel tempted now? I used to in the early days, the cold turkey days where it felt like all I needed to make my stressful day better was one hit of 'Modern Marvels", or one of the variously syndicated versions of "Law and Order." But in those days, one hit - even one of the TBS re-runs - would have been one too many.

That blasted TV, that beacon of passive entertainment, was the siren to my Argo. It didn't matter what was on - if it was a hemorrhoid commercial you'd still find me sitting in front of the flickering glare completely mesmerized for the 15 seconds until something else came on. My hobbies suffered, my social life (such as it was) suffered, and my house cleaning habits were non-existent. Who can think about spring cleaning when "Gray's Anatomy" is on???

Zombies are cool.

Since the day I took the plunge from Mt. Comcast things have changed dramatically for me. For one, I became more disciplined in my writing and completed 3 novels, the most recent of which landed a publishing contract for me. I took up new hobbies in climbing and sailing and even took a few art classes that were a great investment of time. And while I can't say that my housekeeping skills have improved, I CAN say that I've helped build a cedar fence, installed floors, and learned carpentry and trim work among other things.

Now I won't say that there aren't still shows that I dearly love - "Big Bang Theory" and "The Walking Dead" being two biggies on that list. But these are all available online, as are full seasons of other things that I love such as the various "Stargate" series and Battlestar Galactica. They're available online, on demand, and on MY schedule without annoying commercials. The last time I tried to actually catch one during its original airing I felt completely ADD by the end of the flickering commercials all trying to vie for my attention.

Never again. With options out there like Netflix and Hulu, who needs the digital version of crack to derail the bigger life that I want to lead? Not this girl, never again.

Hi. My name is Ashley. I haven't had a drop of cable TV since spring of 2006 and I'm here to say: Yes, there IS life beyond the glare.

Frog Legs, and other tasty analogies...

"You're only fooling yourself." This is an old admonishment but I believe it holds true for every last one of us whether we want to admit it or not. Whether it's denial of an emotion, a weakness, or a problem at some point each of us has in some way lied to the world in an attempt to convince ourselves that a situation was anything other than what it appeared to be.

There are a number of possible reasons that we aren't honest with ourselves, but in my opinion many of these tie back to self preservation. This is one of the few true Darwinian characteristics left to us and, boy, do we know how to embrace it. First and foremost, it helps us maintain the illusion of control. For instance, it's not uncommon to find that comfort and routine have led you into a situation that has progressed beyond what you may have chosen at a different time. This is the old frog boiling analogy: if you dump a frog into a pot of boiling water he'll jump right out because he gets to assess the entire situation at once (because frogs are smart like that) and realizes that its not an ideal position for him to be in. But if you put him into room temperature water and slowly increase the temperature he'll chill out and enjoy the spa until we all have frog legs for dinner. The same is true for us in situational dilemmas (because we are apparently as smart as frogs). When we have the ability to look in from the outside and see all of the factors at once things are much clearer for us. But when we slowly put ourselves into the "pot", we have the ability to keep convincing ourselves that it's not getting too hot even when it starts to burn. The situation is clearly not out of our control by this point but for some reason staying in the pot sometimes seems less painful than getting out and trying to heal.

Another common self-preserving lie is the barrier we build around ourselves to guard from certain emotions. We can hide behind so many things; humor, distance, cruelty, sex, and even chastity. The method we use to keep people at arm's distance from us isn't so important as the why, but unfortunately once we've built that wall we're better at keeping ourselves out than the supposed enemy.

In a lot of ways, what keeps us from being the person that we want to be is the package of lies we've sold ourselves about who we already are and what we think we should be feeling. We all have an ideal of who and what we want to be and go to great strides to paint ourselves in that image. All it takes just once in a while is an honest mirror in front of us, whether it's someone we love or a total stranger that sees right through our bullshit, to shake something loose in us and help us better ourselves. Yet that confrontation doesn't come nearly as often as it should. It may not always feel good to hear, more likely it will never feel good, but I know I want that chance to become a better person, to be challenged and called on my own personal bullshit.

Sometimes I think we've just got to be knocked out of our own way to get back on track.

Looking for a catalyst

Is there anything we can ever do anymore to really feel alive? We've so shaped the environment around us that being outside no longer really feels like outside, but an extension of the underlying bubble in which we've encased ourselves. I find that the older I get the more the world around me loses some of its sharpness much the way the picture will begin to fade from an older television set. The edges seem less clear, the lines less defined, and the color becomes more and more muted until everything is painted in its own surreal hue. Routine and complacency with the paths we fall into bring us closer to being machines with no real sense of value or lust for anything we do in life. The world told us, "This is how you should be," and so we are.

So do we accept this situation and fall into line fulfilling our daily duties, whatever they may be? I have for so long, and every day that I have has brought me to question why to greater depths. If I'm to continue in this mundane pursuit for the rest of my life I'm going to need to revitalize my perspective on society and life and I really dont know where to turn. Many people look to religion or philosophy to find a higher sense of purpose and be able to turn down the volume on the so-called rat race. I'm enormously envious of those who can because my own participation in the rat race has served only to mute all other facets of my life, leaving little room for real growth at a time when I'm most looking for it.

I have tried to immerse myself in religion, though I find I always end up studying the subject as a fiction despite my earnest wish to believe in something. I have a truly spiritual side, but my difficulties with dogma make it impossible in effect for me to find any true solace there as to the questions of why that we all raise from time to time. Nevertheless, the pieces that I feel are missing seem to be questions only tackled by theologists and philosophers; not by ordinary people who have fallen into line and perform their societal duties every day. If these were the people seeking the answers would they turn the question inward and not look up to the heavens for purpose? Modern society has already effectively replaced God as the Moral Commander, but is the perpetuation of society also becoming our purpose? If this is the case then were no better than a colony of ants.

I believe that to take back any part of this experience of life we should be looking inward and to each other on the individual level for meaning. The human experience should be a sharp and vivid one, punctuated with great joys and great sorrows, but never ignored. Perhaps the world around me has lost its sharpness because life has anesthetized me with responsibilities, or perhaps it is because I simply did not heed the signs. Either way it is up to me to put the purpose back in my life and stop waiting for change to simply happen. I don't know what catalyst I will choose yet, but this will be the one I'll have to see through to the end.

All-Purpose Relationship Cleanser - Extra Strength, 10% More Free!

Consider this your all purpose guide for relationships.  This is not an article about dating, marriage, parenting, or friendship.  This is about simply relating successfully with the many people in your life.  Any relationship with no regard to its particular nature has a general set of very important needs and understandings to be met in order to grow healthily and successfully.  Disregarding these needs leads to compounding problems, from disrespect and contempt to an inability to rehabilitate a maltreated relationship.  In order to keep it balanced and mutual each person should feel a responsibility to the other in this way.

1. Needs are Necessities.  Though “needs” and “wants” are linked in the thesaurus don’t be fooled into thinking that they mean the same thing.  Too often when we hear from someone in our lives that they need something from us we translate that “need” as “want” and don’t treat it with the significance that it carries for them.   Discarding these needs as unimportant tips the scale to an unhealthy balance with a one-sided benefit and will eventually breed contempt in the relationship.  An “I need ___” can range from a simple need for punctuality from us to a plea for us to take them more seriously, but don’t try to rank their importance to the other person concerned without discussing them openly first.  Most importantly, if you commit to making a change stick to it!  By taking their needs seriously you encourage a healthy balance where your needs are more likely to be equally met.
2. Honesty is Respect.  This is equally true when said the other way around.  Lying, selective truths and lies of omission are all indications that you don’t respect the other party in your relationship and raise a huge warning flag.  If this is the norm in your relationship then it is past time to reevaluate what you hope to gain by continuing.  Show your mate, friend, or child that you respect them by being honest and trusting them to accept you and what you have to say without casting harsh judgments and you will earn their trust and respect in return.
3. Listen, don’t react!  Once you have earned their trust and have attained a completely open level of communication maintain it by not reacting badly to what they have to share with you.  Even if it feels like a direct accusation of misbehavior on your part hear them out and find out why they feel as they do.  Once you have an understanding then calmly discuss the situation without acting defensive whenever possible but still explain to them why their reaction or accusation offends or hurts you without making any accusations of your own.  Understand that not every situation can always be resolved through discussion, but far too many never make the attempt and throw potentially good relationships away.
4. Do the little things.  Never take it for granted that people know that you respect and value the relationship you have.  Colleagues, friends, and family members alike will appreciate you for taking a little effort to show you care.  Stop to put gas in your mate’s car; offer to help a co-worker catch up on a project when you have room in your schedule; help a family member with chores they usually do to show them you appreciate it and don’t just expect it;  send your friends a get well card when they have a cold.  Try spending 5 minutes a day to show someone in your life that they mean something to you and they’ll be feeling the effects for days.

Pandora's Box

I had the absolute strangest dream last night during one of the few fitful moments of sleep I was allowed. Now this is not to say that my dreams are usually anything other than strange, but this one stuck with me vividly for some reason when the others tend to float away from my waking grasp.



I won't even speculate as to what brought this about, but in this dream we had discovered a way to unlock the unused majority of our brains and study the full potential we possess. I wasn't reading neurological manuals before I went to bed so don't even think about asking me how we managed this. What's important to me here is that we found in each expanded capability of the human mind a greater capacity for evil than in the previous. It was a veritable Pandoras Box; the more we opened, the greater the potential for destruction.



My first thought about this dream was that it was as nonsensical as all of my others. But then it started feeling like a marriage of two different allegories: Pandoras Box, and the biblical Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden. Emphasis on the abstract here, but it began to seem like a metaphor for the path that we have been on. We have gained so much intelligence and command over ourselves and our environment in our time here, but so much of that knowledge has been to the detriment of both humanity and nature. Lessons of morality and cooperation are learned through conflict; societies have been forged by war and unmade by genocide; the need for tolerance is bred by acts of terror. For every stride we take in science a new weapon is spawned that worsens the depth of the damage dealt in past strife.



Evolution is naturally leading us to unlocking more and more of our capabilities. In fact, just this May geneticists announced that they had finally completed the entire map of the human genome which will give biological research new momentum in all areas. In some ways I fear that this in itself will be a dangerous fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. If we push forward and unlock this box, will we be able to survive what we become?