Political Road Rage Crashes Economy

Chapman Mountain.

There. I’ve said it. It may not mean a hill of beans to you, but if you’re in the Huntsville, AL area it’s the only curse you need during rush hour. Chapman Mountain rears its ugly head (ok, there’s actually a lovely view of the valley, but you get the sentiment) at the point where Hwy 72 meets I-565 leading into the city. Granted, this part of North Alabama is more foothill than mountain, but something about this particular one attracts wrecks like day old poo attracts flies. To make it even worse, some morbid city planner, in an apparent fit of colic rage, decided to spread his melancholy across the city by putting not one but TWO stoplights at the foot of the mountain.  Can you predict the outcome?

Gridlock. Slamming of the brakes. Honking of the horn. Flipping of the finger. Gnashing of the teeth. And, oh yes, much cursing.

At best, cars traveling up this mountain weaves a slow accordion path up the slope like an inchworm  – albeit a very angry inchworm full of road rage. When one of the frequent wrecks occur somewhere on one side of the slope or the other, traffic on both sides comes to an even angrier crawl while motorists limber up their rubbernecks (If you can’t tell, traversing this mountain twice daily is the bane of my work week). But now, on top of the commuting travesties already endured by drivers on Chapman Mountain, there is a new peril we must face.

Politicians.

You heard me. As if all of the other hazards weren’t enough, the approaching Alabama Primary has attracted droves of would-be politicians standing in front of truck-mounted signs vying for the attention of passing motorists on high-traffic corridors. And, since those motorists not consumed with road rage are already busy texting or talking on the phone, eating, applying make-up, or shaving (yes, shaving), they have to work pretty darn hard to get that attention. In fact, this morning’s politician on Chapman Mountain was jumping up and down and waving madly. Annoying as it may be, his ruse worked! Car after car slowed down to stare at him, causing the inchworm lining up behind them to contract and slam brakes (cursing goes without saying). The car in front of me even rolled down his window to pass on a thumbs up, completely ignoring the fact that he shared responsibility for the progression of traffic and therefore the mental welfare of a large percentage of angry morning commuters. *Gnashing of teeth*

The additional angry commuters caused by the carelessness of that politician probably arrived to work this morning in a worse mood than they were to begin with and probably took it out on their coworkers all day. Therefore, that politician directly contributed to spreading despair and despondency across Huntsville’s business community.

Now do you see how politics is bad for our economy?

Why Geico Hates Election Season

**Disclaimer** Don’t run away in fear: this will not be a political blog entry. There are enough people doing that already who are far more qualified to offer an opinion than I am. However, since there are also enough people doing that who are far LESS qualified than I am (or than your average bottle opener for that matter), don’t think that it might not happen one day....

The 2012 Presidential Primaries are a staggering 8 months away. Granted, in my mind any time is far too soon, but 8 months still a respectable distance out. Especially considering the Republican contenders are still circling the wagons and vying for the best position to see who can throw their hat the farthest into the ring. In fact, it’s early enough yet that I still feel a certain margin of safety in turning on the television or opening the newspaper without being bombarded with highly contrived political ads. (Yes, for all wiki-wizards out there I am aware of the bias inherent in that statement)

So imagine my surprise this morning on my way to work when I saw a proud member of one of the parties walking to the front of his lawn with a presidential yard sign in one hand and a mallet in the other. There was even a sort of smug bounce to his step as though his proactive turf side campaigning were something that his neighbors would surely envy, much as they might a new garden gnome or set of pink flamingoes.

What I also noticed as I passed was that he was on his way to give it pride of placement; in other words, that sweet spot on a lawn next to a driveway that A) makes it impossible to miss and B) makes it impossible to miss the driver backing out of said driveway who couldn’t see you coming down the road because of said yard sign.

Apparently, there is a science to yard sign placement and getting the most attention drawn to your sign instead of your neighbor’s sign who, although otherwise being mostly an alright kinda chap, seems to want to vote for that other guy. The truly successful have learned that the most effective placement is to plaster them like a political flood wall on corner lots and near as many road merges, driveways, and parking lots as humanly possible. That way when the ensuing wrecks occur due to the philosophical blind spots, drivers will have LOTS of time to sit and absorb the cardboard political debate while awaiting the tow truck, police and/or ambulance.

Every time you hear sirens in your neighborhood this election season, go ahead and chalk another one up for the lawn-chair politico next door.