What I Learned During My Blogger Vacation

The Beginning – In Which I Apologize Profusely

I know, I know, I’ve been gone a very long time. I decided completely without warning to take the month of April off from blogging in order to catch up on projects and work at home and that was not very nice of me. What makes it worse is that during that time off I managed to not catch up on projects so much as I did on Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire series. Color me obsessed, I admit it freely. I’m a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person.

The Climax – In Which You Avoid The Temptation To Make an Inappropriate Joke About This Quick Climax

I can at the very least say that, while my to-do list barely suffered a dent, I learned many small lessons during my blogging hiatus; some consequential to others. There are so many things I’d love to share with you, but I’ll kindly reduce it to a Top Ten list and spare you the juiceless details:

1. Groupon in my area seems to be obsessed with Hair Removal and Belly Dancing lessons.
2. If I keep making pots of tea I’m less likely to snack at work.
3. My bladder holds nowhere near 3 pots of tea.
4. Barn swallows would make excellent guided missiles during mating season.
5. My cat, who is afraid of EVERYTHING (including barn swallows), will go exploring and lead me on a miserable week-long search when he escapes the fence.
6. I can’t trust the estimated fuel range on my car.
7. When I trust the estimated fuel range on my car and consequently run out of gas, Mary Kay ladies are nice enough to stop and help out.
8. I now have a full new complement of much-needed Mary Kay products.
9. Installing tongue and groove pine on a ceiling is slow and painful work.
10. Tongue and groove ceilings – once the aches and pains of installation have passed – are freaking gorgeous.

The Dénouement – In Which A Promise Is Made

I wish I could promise that I would be a faithful blogger from now on, but as of right now the best I can promise (and deliver, anyway) is that I will do my very best to stick with my Thursday blogs. I entered the blogging world with high hopes and good intentions, but the reality of real-life juggling set in and I discovered that though the road to Hell is paved with those Good Intentions, the sign posts are all High Hopes.

However, I can leave you with the promise of a blog update tomorrow as well as an announcement. And no, begging me to tell will not work. You’ll just have to wait to see until tomorrow, and that’s when I’ll find out if you have forgiven me for my breach and come back to see what news I have to share.

Until then, friends, I will (hopefully) see you tomorrow!

Watching Out For The 'Low Men...'

I spent a little time yesterday exploring my blog stats in Blogger’s handy-dandy dashboard and learned something interesting: I’m either going to be famous or I’m going to end up on a terrorist watch list.

A little background: I noticed that my page views were going up faster than they had been so I decided to look and see what was driving people to my humble blog. One of the first things I saw was a number of odd web pages listed as ‘Referring Sites,’ including buygenericsfromindia dot com (purposely ensuring this doesn’t show up as a link some innocent bystander can click) and baby-back-packs dot com.

Strange, yes.

But not as strange as a few of the ‘Search Keywords’ that led people to my blog. They start off innocently enough with: “little mermaid kiss the girl vocal only.” Not surprising at all, considering my blog in January, "The Little Mermaid," and Other Evil Deeds of the Disney Empire. Then I see that the terms “flash fiction post-apocalytpic best” and “post apocalyptic noir” referred people to the post-apocalyptic short story I posted. Still making sense.

I start really feeling odd when I see that the following search term has been entered:”ashley chappell Huntsville.” In other words, I have been Googled. While I waver between feeling pleased that someone bothered to look me up, I also find myself feeling, well, dirty.

But the final search phrase on the list is the one that causes me concern: “special ops mission chloroform.” Now I realize that this one must have led the searching party to my blog entitled Dietary Tactics: From Electroshock to Chloroform, but when I think about the kind of person that is likely to enter that specific search in a search engine only two images come to mind. 1) A fellow writer doing research for a thriller/suspense novel; and 2) a raving psychopath (not that 1 and 2 are always mutually exclusive, mind you). In fact, it also gives me a frame of reference for one of the other odd ‘Referring Sites’ that were listed: quiethits dot com. You can’t tell me that’s not a cover-up for a contract assassin employment service.

So now that I see the kind of searches in which my blog appears I can’t stop picturing a scenario in which I am abducted in the middle of the night by paramilitary thugs. When they finally remove the black bag from my head it’s to bombard me with questions about the secret communications I’m transmitting for the terrorists. “We have the proof right here, lady. Your blog is all over their search history. Just give us your contacts and we’ll put these rusty nails and jumper cables away.”

Coming up next week... look for an excessive amount of American flags, LOLcats, apple pie recipes, and Angry Birds tips. That ought to balance out my search results, right? RIGHT? 

Ready Read Tuesday - The Short Stack

Welcome back to Ready Read Tuesday! If you are new to my weekly book challenge, see this post for the background. In order to save time, let’s just consider this as good of a reason as any to spend some time reading with the burgeoning young geniuses in your life. To help navigate, I've added an index page for this and all future Ready Read Tuesday posts here. So what are you waiting for? Grab one of these great books and let me know what you've been reading with your kids! 

Now for this week’s book challenge – This week’s theme is “The Short Stack.”  Between our busy works schedules and the kids’ school and sports schedules, sometimes the idea of sitting down to an entire book is just daunting. That’s why this week I’m focusing on short story collections that make it easy to read to or with your child a little at a time. There is a little something for everyone in these selections and, because nothing compares to a child’s laughter, they can be counted on to show you the funny. Happy Reading!

1. The Sneetches & Other Stories  - Dr. Seuss

Where To Get It? B&N, Amazon

How It Inspires? Who among us can’t think of treasured a Dr. Seuss story right off the top of our heads? And with Hollywood giving kids a fresh appreciation for these timeless classics, it’s a great time to reintroduce all of us to some of our old favorites. Seuss was a master of weaving life lessons and tales of morality into incredibly entertaining stories, helping to build a foundation of open hearts and open minds for children.  “Too Many Daves” and “What Was I Scared Of?” are two of my favorites in this collection.

2. Ribticklers!: Funny Stories  - Chosen by Michael Rosen

Where To Get It? B&N, Amazon

How It Inspires? Some of my favorite childhood memories with my family, even those where I’m a bit hazy on the details, involve all of us in fits of laughter together. I may not remember what was so funny, but I remember the feeling – Complete and Utter Happiness. This book is intended for the middle school aged but, with stories by humorists such as James Thurber, the grown-ups are bound to get a kick out of these stories as well.

3. Guys Read: Funny Business – Edited by Jon Scieszka

Where To Get It? Amazon/Kindle, B&N

How It Inspires? For starters, everything I mentioned above about laughter creating such wonderful memories applies to this collection as well. But going a step further, this collection is part of the Guys Read series aimed at piquing the interest of young boys. Studies show that boys are harder to interest in reading, and Scieszka has done a wonderful job of putting together stories that contain all of the ick, gore, and comedic villains a boy could want in a book. It might be written for 9-11 year olds, but if you have boys from 9-91, this is your one-stop shop to get them reading.

My First Author Interview!

Today's post is a short but giddy one that delivers some of that shameless self-promotion I've promised. But at the same time, it also gives me a chance to promote another lovely blog and a lovely lady that shares my passion for writing. Ms. Vanessa Eccles of The Writer's Block hosts my first interview today on her blog.

Click here for my first interview :-)

Please go take a look at it! And while you're there, don't forget to read through her archives. Vanessa is one smart lady with a great sense of humor! :-)

Ready Read Tuesday - "Undersaurus Rex!"

Welcome back to Ready Read Tuesday! If you are new to my weekly book challenge, see this post for the background. In order to save time, let’s just consider this as good of a reason as any to spend some time reading with the burgeoning young geniuses in your life. To help navigate, I've added an index page for this and all future Ready Read Tuesday posts here. So what are you waiting for? Grab one of these great books and let me know what you've been reading with your kids! 

Now for this week’s book challenge – This week’s theme is “Undersaurus Rex!”  Since last week was targeted toward older children I’m going to give a selection for our newly developing bookworms this week. We have one book about underwear, one book about dinosaurs, and one book about both!

1. The Adventures of Captain Underpants - Dav Pilkey

Where to Get It? Amazon/Kindle, B&N/Nook

How Does it Inspire? I can’t think of a better way to sum up the reasons children (myself included) would love these books than this Amazon.com Review:

"Faster than a speeding waistband... more powerful than boxer shorts..." It's Captain Underpants! Young readers will devour this fancy new boxed set of the first five paperbacks in the side-splitting, potty-humored (literally) Captain Underpants series. These books are award-winning--but really, who cares about awards when you're reading about talking toilets and the perilous plot of Professor Poopypants?” These books are for children aged 7 and up, and if you have a child who is reluctant to read because books are ‘boring,’ just start reading a few passages and you’ll know they’re hooked when the giggles start J

2. Dinosaurs Before Dark - Mary Pope Osborne

Where to Get It? B&N/Nook, Amazon/Kindle

How Does It Inspire? This is the first installment in the Fabulous Magic Tree House series for readers between 6-8. I was a lover of all things dino when I was a child and you still won’t find a more suitable fuel for the fires of imagination than dinos for children today. If Jurassic Park were a children’s book first, the movie would have been just like this book!

3. Dinosaurs Love Underpants - Claire Freedman

Where to Get it? Amazon/Kindle, B&N (Not yet available on Nook)

How Does It Inspire? This one is a picture for the youngest readers, though I got a kick out of the story, myself. The thing I like best about books like these is it takes a mundane everyday thing and gives it a completely new, even if completely silly, story. All of us adults know that a meteorite most likely killed the dinosaurs. We also take underwear for granted. But would we still take them for granted if we knew that it really was the Great Dinosaurs Underpants War that killed them? Set a child’s imagination flowing in this direction, then ask them to come up with their own unique story about what really killed the dinosaurs. I’d love to hear what they come up with!

Political Road Rage Crashes Economy

Chapman Mountain.

There. I’ve said it. It may not mean a hill of beans to you, but if you’re in the Huntsville, AL area it’s the only curse you need during rush hour. Chapman Mountain rears its ugly head (ok, there’s actually a lovely view of the valley, but you get the sentiment) at the point where Hwy 72 meets I-565 leading into the city. Granted, this part of North Alabama is more foothill than mountain, but something about this particular one attracts wrecks like day old poo attracts flies. To make it even worse, some morbid city planner, in an apparent fit of colic rage, decided to spread his melancholy across the city by putting not one but TWO stoplights at the foot of the mountain.  Can you predict the outcome?

Gridlock. Slamming of the brakes. Honking of the horn. Flipping of the finger. Gnashing of the teeth. And, oh yes, much cursing.

At best, cars traveling up this mountain weaves a slow accordion path up the slope like an inchworm  – albeit a very angry inchworm full of road rage. When one of the frequent wrecks occur somewhere on one side of the slope or the other, traffic on both sides comes to an even angrier crawl while motorists limber up their rubbernecks (If you can’t tell, traversing this mountain twice daily is the bane of my work week). But now, on top of the commuting travesties already endured by drivers on Chapman Mountain, there is a new peril we must face.

Politicians.

You heard me. As if all of the other hazards weren’t enough, the approaching Alabama Primary has attracted droves of would-be politicians standing in front of truck-mounted signs vying for the attention of passing motorists on high-traffic corridors. And, since those motorists not consumed with road rage are already busy texting or talking on the phone, eating, applying make-up, or shaving (yes, shaving), they have to work pretty darn hard to get that attention. In fact, this morning’s politician on Chapman Mountain was jumping up and down and waving madly. Annoying as it may be, his ruse worked! Car after car slowed down to stare at him, causing the inchworm lining up behind them to contract and slam brakes (cursing goes without saying). The car in front of me even rolled down his window to pass on a thumbs up, completely ignoring the fact that he shared responsibility for the progression of traffic and therefore the mental welfare of a large percentage of angry morning commuters. *Gnashing of teeth*

The additional angry commuters caused by the carelessness of that politician probably arrived to work this morning in a worse mood than they were to begin with and probably took it out on their coworkers all day. Therefore, that politician directly contributed to spreading despair and despondency across Huntsville’s business community.

Now do you see how politics is bad for our economy?

Ready Read Tuesday - "Other-Worldly Classics"

Time to kick off our inaugural edition of Ready Read Tuesday! If you missed the introductory post yesterday, see this post for the background. In order to save time, let’s just consider this as good of a reason as any to spend some time reading with the burgeoning young geniuses in your life. To help navigate, I've added an index page for this and all future Ready Read Tuesday posts here. So what are you waiting for? Grab one of these great books and let me know what you've been reading with your kids!

Now for this week’s book challenge – the theme to get us started is “Other-Worldly Classics.” In other words, this is a selection of books most of us so-called grown-ups should remember fondly that take the reader through adventures on new worlds.

1.           The Wonderful Wizard of Oz - L. Frank Baum

•     Where to get it? Gutenberg.org eBook, B&N/Nook, Amazon/Kindle 
•     How does it inspire? The book takes Dorothy and her new-found friends farther than the classic movie that we all know and love. Did you know that there was a dangerous river in Oz that the group had to cross, or that Dorothy actually met the king of the winged monkeys? I thought not. Throughout the story, children learn how  friendship, loyalty, and self-confidence can help them overcome any obstacle they face.

 2.        A Wrinkle in Time - Madeleine L'Engle

•          Where to get it? Amazon/Kindle, B&N/Nook
•          How does it inspire?  L'Engle, ever a brilliant story teller, gave us this masterpiece that celebrates and embraces the uniqueness of her characters. At first, the characters are shown as misfits with no understanding of what makes them special. Through their journey across both time and space to save their father, it is the extraordinary abilities of Charles Wallace and his sister Meg and the natural leadership of their school friend Calvin O'Keefe that protect the trio in their adventure.

3.         A Princess of Mars - Edgar Rice Burroughs

•         Where to get it? Gutenberg.org eBook, B&N/Nook, Amazon/Kindle,  
•         How does it inspire? This one is for the slightly older children and all of us who are young enough at heart to still appreciate a story about heroes, princesses, loyalty, and, well, martians. You won't find it on many reading lists for young adults, but it is a fabulous early example of 20th century pulp fiction and offers everything from swashbuckling to air-borne ship battles. It gives the reader  characters who exemplify principle, loyalty, justice, and honesty. What person, young or old, couldn't look up to a hero like that?

Online Surveys & Market Research

A Preview for Ready Read Tuesday

See how reading makes a difference here

I've had the good fortune of meeting many writers in various stages of the careers since I began actively blogging. They come from all backgrounds; from poor to wealthy, from single-parent households to sprawling families, from all over the country and beyond. The one theme that seems to unite all of them is a simple one:


At some point in their childhood, someone took the simple step of putting a book in their hand.


Now for the parents reading this, you might be thinking that you don't want your children to grow up to be writers. You want them to eat regularly and have money for rent. Perfectly understandable. But don't neglect the many benefits realized from encouraging your children to read. 


Reading at an early age leads to enhanced language skills. That includes reading comprehension which is a HUGE factor in your child's ability to learn quickly and to foster good study habits. Reading, whether it is fiction or non-fiction, also provides a child with perspectives beyond their own experience to help them navigate those difficult early formative situations. Perhaps it's easy for little Alice or Johnny to ignore Mom's words of advice, but chances are they'll remember that Harry Potter didn't take the easy way out by lying to keep himself out of trouble. Reading gives a child other children whom they can admire and respect.


Those enhanced language skills in combination with the expanded perspective also feed directly to an enhanced ability to communicate. Communication is such an important developmental skill that is lost these days to text messaging, gaming, and the myriad of other distractions and the loss of it seems to be showing across the country. Increasing disciplinary issues, fighting, parents with children in therapy who've given up trying to talk with their child, and far worse issues seem to be normal topics of conversation among parents anymore. This is why I believe that instilling a strong ability to communicate in a child is such an important step to foster strong emotional and intellectual development. A child without the ability to communicate or even to make sense of their thoughts and feelings is more likely to act out on those feelings violently or behaviorally. 


It is for this reason that I am designating Tuesdays on my blog "Ready Read Tuesdays." Each and every Tuesday I will list three books that inspire, entertain, and educate young readers and I will challenge parents, aunts, uncles, big siblings, ANYONE with a child in their life, to get one of these books in the hands of a child. Whether you read it to them or with them, be available to talk about the story and the characters with the child and be prepared to be amazed as you see how quickly they assimilate the stories and lessons into their own lives. 

Ready, Set, Go!

And for those of you who think you're too old to get anything out of a children's book - as a fully grown-up reader of Young Adult fiction, I can promise you're never too old to learn from a child.


The first Ready Read Tuesday begins tomorrow. No excuses! I'll even make it easy for you to find all three books for cheap or even for free. Get ready!

You're in Trouble Now... She's Being Polite!

All Customer Service Employees need this book

Yes, I'm trying to stir the pot again.

I made the following statement on Facebook this week to see what reactions people would have: “There is a vast difference between being 'nice' and being 'polite.’” A few people, and I have to believe that they are among those rarities who are actually nice all of the time (yes, they do exist but I am unfortunately not one of them), argued that there is no difference between the two words. For most of the discussion, however, I found that people do tend to notice distinct differences between these two words and what they meant to them.

I bring this up for two reasons: 1) Being a word nerd, I’m fascinated by how two words meaning essentially the same thing conversationally (despite specific definitions) and used interchangeably so often can evolve to conjure such specific reactions, and 2) I realized that the ‘polite’ person that I was talking to on the phone was not a ‘nice’ person at all. In fact, I was pretty sure that she was giving me the finger while she was saying, “Bless your heart,” safely from her end of the phone line.

You probably grew up across the street from this lady

For those not familiar with southern sarcasm, ‘Bless your heart’ can sometimes be a meaningful expression of sympathy, but more often than not it’s a southern lady’s socially acceptable way of saying “Why the hell do you think I care?”

Now I’m wondering about my own responses to people and feeling slightly guilty. You know what I mean... The phone rings at work and, blast that caller ID, it’s one of those people you'd rather give extraneous body parts than have to deal with. But, since you have a job to do for which you are being paid, on goes that plasticine smile with the glazed eyes as you say, “No, you’re no problem at all, really, how can I help you?” All the while your imagination is dreaming up scenarios in which it would be acceptable for you to scream “Go away already you horrible person!”

See? Polite, but not nice.

Now that I’ve given you the set up, what do you think? What do these two words mean to you? 

The Hidden Microsoft Razzzzzberry

Sometimes I almost believe my computer at work is conspiring against me. Sometimes it’s easier to believe than others. Those are the times that I have multiple MS Office applications up at once and I’m working so hard on something that hitting a quick Ctrl + S completely slips my mind. That's when the hourglass happens.

The blasted #%@$^$ hourglass. I wait for a while, watching it taunt me with its lazy turns until it finally comes to a complete stop. With what few shreds of optimism I have left, I walk away to fix another cup of coffee in hopes that whatever process has hung up my computer yet again will have worked its way out, but it always ends up the same.

Hard reboot. And on the third hard reboot this morning I noticed something in the Windows logo that has always slipped by me before. Microsoft KNEW what they were doing to us when they sold us Windows XP, and now I have proof! And they thought they were being so sneaky...

Microsoft has been giving us the Raspberry all along.

A little mid-week treat...

Yes, I know it's not Thursday yet, but this was too near and dear to my heart to not share. I feel this way Every. Day. And though I don't mean to be a grammar snob, I do at least have the courtesy to wait until the offender has left before commencing the merciless  ridicule (though trite and self-serving it is).

Now go forth and sin no more

For my friends who also suffer from this malady: Benadryl just won't cut it for this one. But this will.

Happy editing!

Dietary Tactics: From Electroshock to Chloroform

Time for a show of hands. How many of you began this year with a resolution that sounded something like this?

"This year, seriously, for real, I'm GOING to get in shape and eat better. I mean it. For real this time."

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Each year this resolution gets just a little bit longer with the addition of more emphatics, as if throwing in another "for real" and "seriously" makes it a more concrete vow.

So far this year I'm not doing too badly (it may be because I upped the ante with this resolution and even threw in a "no backsies" this year). I've been a pillar of strength, a maven of whole foods, and calorie counter extraordinaire... Provided that I am exposed to no temptation whatsoever, that is. Temptation - delicious chocolates on someone's desk, the smell of pizza baking, suddenly remembering that box of cookie mix in the cabinet... Well, that's where it all falls apart.

You see, my ability to resist junk food can be represented as an inverse function of my proximity to junk food. I'd even place a pretty big bet involving limbs and other appendages on the notion that this is true for the majority of the dieting population. No amount of Healthy Choice, Lean Cuisine, or protein smoothies in our shopping cart can protect us from the fact that the checkout line is secretly a candy bar ambush waiting to happen.

And you know exactly what I mean on this one - how many times have we finally grabbed that Butterfinger and thrown it on the belt in a hasty rush of embarrassment JUST before the last item was scanned? And that look on the cashier's face as they hand it to you after scanning, asking "Would you like to keep this in your purse?" Which is, of course, a question that is very difficult to answer with a mouth full of Butterfinger.

Another terrible danger for me is the BOGO sale. BOGOS just provide me with the opportunity to justify buying multiples of something that I try to make a once weekly treat in this way: "Well, I'm going to buy at least 4 per month, anyway, right? So it only makes sense for me to go ahead and buy 4 and reduce 50% of the cost, right?"

Right. This logic recently led to the following scenario: Freschetta Brick Oven pizzas are our weekly Date Night treat and tradition. Following the above logic, in week 1 I buy 4 Brick Ovens on a rare BOGO sale at Publix and by week 2 I was down 4 Brick Ovens and SOL on the pizza front by the next Date night.

Nothing says love like a pizza heart

Now, armed with the full knowledge of my weaknesses, it's beginning to look like drastic measures are in order. Conventional methods of dieting (ie, simply not eating crap) don't appear to be enough by a long shot. So to augment my dieting regime I'm going to institute a series of new tactics in the fight against temptation.

1.      Time-locking Freezer. This one is aimed primarily at my pizza fixation. From now on, all Freschetta Brick Ovens and other frozen temptations will go directly into a freezer that can only be accessed once per week. In the event of a violent craving and break-down of self control, any attempts to bypass the locking mechanism will result in a moderate to severe electrical shock.

2.      Convenience Store Blinders. This applies to grocery store checkouts as well. The blinders must be put on immediately prior to entering any establishment that likes to keep enticing junk food displays in the periphery of the checkout counter or, in extreme cases, on the counter itself. It works for racehorses, and I’m at least smarter than your average mare. Right?

3.      The Dieter’s Select Menu. Petition local restaurants to maintain a menu for dieters. This menu will steer them directly to only the healthiest selections by describing non-healthy foods in terms of nutritional and chemical content rather than the mouth-watering adjectives that tend to talk us out of the Garden Salad and into the ¾ lb Cowboy Burger with two slices of melted cheese, crispy golden fried onions, and delectable special sauce. On the Dieter’s Select Menu, that burger just became a Cowboy Slab of Fatty Low-grade Cow Meat with Arteriosclerosis and Possible Heart Failure.

And in the event that all of these ideas fail...

4.      Big Scary Enforcers. Hire a team of ex-paramilitary soldiers of fortune to act as full-time body guards. And since no one wants to appear pretentious enough to carry around an entourage of body guards, this mission will have to be undercover and black ops. You’ll never see them until you go to take that bite of cheesecake, or start putting that money in the vending machine... and when you wake up, just consider the headache leftover from the chloroform a good tradeoff for the fatty calories from which they just saved you.

Why You Should Send Hate Mail to Dictionary Editors

As I develop my blogging skills and decide what subjects to tackle each week, I’m noticing that my blogs tend to be largely reactionary for the most part. Whether serious or tongue-in-cheek, so far I’ve blogged for the following reasons:

1.      To vent.

2.      To revel in irony.

3.      To poke fun at some quirk of my own or of humanity in general.

4.      Some combination of all of the above.

5.      To share stories in writing, or solicit feedback to help me improve.

So far, those 5 pretty much sum up the contents of my blog to date. Now I’m going to add a glorious 6^th motivation for blogging:

6.      To keep from cringing in front of someone at their poor grammar.

Everyone needs an outlet. And today when I heard the phrase ‘A whole nother’ for the third time, I knew I needed that outlet ASAP. This is a phrase that I hear pretty often since moving to the beautiful state of Alabama (Note: That was not tongue-in-cheek. I genuinely love this state) and it seems to be pretty prolific throughout the Huntsville area, though I can’t say I recall ever hearing it before I moved here five years ago. Each time I’ve heard it I cringed inwardly and fought the response that was just begging to escape...

I want to roar: “THAT’S NOT A FREAKIN’ WORD!” ‘Nother,’ they say. Not ‘another.’ Not ‘a whole other’ as would be the correct phrase here. Or, I’d even give a person liberty with ‘A-whole-nother’ if they wanted to put it in writing. I kind of have to allow that considering the numerous liberties I take with hyphenated word creation when vocabulary fails me. And while I’m the first to admit that I’m a complete grammar snob, this is always one phrase that grates on me in particular.

Seriously, who's going to say No to a velociraptor?

So I decided to write a blog about it. And to be especially snarky and smartass, I thought I’d make a point of looking in the dictionary and symbolically pointing to the big blank place where ‘nother’ would be entered if it were an actual word and not some corruption of speech... And this is where Mssrs. Merriam and Webster failed me. In fact, I would even go so far as to embrace the meme and call it an Epic Fail.

‘Nother’ now has an entry. Granted, it’s listed as informal usage in speech, but simply having that slot in the holy book of all that is language legitimizes it while at the same time dropping the English language one rung farther down the ladder of bastardization. As a logophile, I feel utterly cheated. In fact, I’m frightened to live in a world where instead of publicly flogging those who use words that don’t exist, we add those words to the dictionary! But I suppose it’s probably easier in the long run to recognize poor grammar as language rather than hiring a squad of grammar police armed with dictionaries and parse trees to enforce lexiconian (yes, I just made up that word) law (and yes, it should be law).

I know my chances are pretty good of hearing this phrase at least once more today and I know that when I do I will still cringe internally and fight the urge to correct the perpetrator. But knowing that the lords of the dictionary have now deigned to embrace ‘nother’ into the realm of language, my typical internal roar will be little more than a futile mew: “THAT’S NOT A FREAKIN’ WORD!”  I’ll think meekly, knowing that in this argument my legs have been cut out from under me because now someone can look up the offending word and say, “But it’s in the dictionary!”

Once upon a time, words had value, they had meaning, and even the ability to use them correctly was a thing of value and pride itself. But once the words that are used incorrectly make their way into the dictionary as language, well, that’s a whole ‘nother’ ball game.

Beware the Post-it-ocalypse

*Shhhhh* Try not to be obvious, but look at that cluster of Post-its on my monitor. Does it look like more than were there yesterday? This one... I don’t remember writing this one. It looks like my handwriting, but did I really write a note to myself to “Ck Rm in AM?” And what did it mean? Maybe Check Room, or Chuck Ram, or Cloak Room – did I leave a coat in a cloak room and forget to pick it up?

Oh, no. There’s another one, and I don’t think it was there a few minutes ago. That can only mean one thing...

I know my lunch was under here somewhere...

They warned me about this. I swear I didn’t mean for it to happen.

It began so innocently... A Post-it here, a Post-it there, just a few reminders to jog my memory, maybe a few shopping lists and even a recipe or two. Then a few more notes containing ideas and then a lot of notes with questions, and a few with answers.  I think that’s when it happened. Somehow, along the way, I have transferred my full consciousness to the now thriving colony of Post-its that surround my monitor.

The Post-it Questions without Post-it Answers have begun to collaborate with the Post-it Ideas and possibly the Post-it Recipes and are creating little Post-it Answers of their own. That’s the only explanation for how the answering Post-it for “How to compress .pdf packages” became “Blend 1 cp. .pdf with 2 GB of eggs, roll flat, bake 2 hrs.”

It can only be a matter of time now before they realize their full potential and rise up against us, ever-growing as one colony meets another, absorbing new thoughts until it becomes one giant Post-it organism, mimicking life as an amalgamation of the short, punctuated thoughts that make up the cells of the beast.

The first Post-it attempt at breeding a Post-it army to subdue the human oppressors

And here I sit in the knowledge that, through my own carelessness, I was the one who birthed this beast. I have doomed us all.

*Shhh!* Did you see that new green one? I swear it said “Redrum...”

God, what have I done?

Life Beyond the Glare

I came across this entry in one of my favorite geek blogs: Kill Your Cable And Habit (Note: if you don't receive newsletters from Steven Savage you're missing out on some seriously good stuff). The first thing I wanted to do was cheer in the knowledge that YES there are others out there who have also said goodbye to television programming dependency.

Hi. My name is Ashley. I haven't had a drop of cable TV since spring of 2006.

Do I feel tempted now? I used to in the early days, the cold turkey days where it felt like all I needed to make my stressful day better was one hit of 'Modern Marvels", or one of the variously syndicated versions of "Law and Order." But in those days, one hit - even one of the TBS re-runs - would have been one too many.

That blasted TV, that beacon of passive entertainment, was the siren to my Argo. It didn't matter what was on - if it was a hemorrhoid commercial you'd still find me sitting in front of the flickering glare completely mesmerized for the 15 seconds until something else came on. My hobbies suffered, my social life (such as it was) suffered, and my house cleaning habits were non-existent. Who can think about spring cleaning when "Gray's Anatomy" is on???

Zombies are cool.

Since the day I took the plunge from Mt. Comcast things have changed dramatically for me. For one, I became more disciplined in my writing and completed 3 novels, the most recent of which landed a publishing contract for me. I took up new hobbies in climbing and sailing and even took a few art classes that were a great investment of time. And while I can't say that my housekeeping skills have improved, I CAN say that I've helped build a cedar fence, installed floors, and learned carpentry and trim work among other things.

Now I won't say that there aren't still shows that I dearly love - "Big Bang Theory" and "The Walking Dead" being two biggies on that list. But these are all available online, as are full seasons of other things that I love such as the various "Stargate" series and Battlestar Galactica. They're available online, on demand, and on MY schedule without annoying commercials. The last time I tried to actually catch one during its original airing I felt completely ADD by the end of the flickering commercials all trying to vie for my attention.

Never again. With options out there like Netflix and Hulu, who needs the digital version of crack to derail the bigger life that I want to lead? Not this girl, never again.

Hi. My name is Ashley. I haven't had a drop of cable TV since spring of 2006 and I'm here to say: Yes, there IS life beyond the glare.

Book Contracts and Postal Subversion

Heartbreak! Angst! And Gnashing of the Teeth! *Pause for dramatic collapse into strategically placed divan*

I'm fine, thanks for asking, but FedEx has just found itself off my Christmas list permanently, as will all evil-doers who get my hopes up only to dash them against the rocks. I suppose a little background is in order here..

To start with - my lifelong dream began coming true this week when I accepted an offer from a publisher for my first book deal. Oh yes, squeals of joy abounded and still are. See my Facebook announcement here for the squee. Since agreeing to terms I've been anxiously awaiting the contracts in the mail all week (actually, since the moment I hit 'Send' in the email back to the publisher in evident denial that snail mail doesn't work like email). So imagine my excitement when I get home from work last night to find a FedEx sticky on my door from a delivery attempt. I did a quick little tap dance in what was probably my 413th celebration this week.

The sticky said I was required to be there and present photo ID to receive the package, so I decided to take a couple hours of my much treasured and minimal personal leave from work and wait for it this morning.

Picture me here: The clock is ticking so slowly; the cats are fighting for the warmest spot on my lap; I'm trying to read while checking the time over, and over, and over, and over.... And then the door bell rings, causing me to launch two cats and one book into semi-ballistic orbit as I leap from the couch to get my hands on what I just know has to be the contract and thereby the gateway through which my dreams come true.

Now picture me here: The clock has now frozen and I'm standing in front of a slightly nervous FedEx guy as I hold the parcel I nearly ripped out of his hands in excitement. The only thing I see, however, is the name on the package.

Not. My. Frackin'. Name.

FedEx had the wrong house with the wrong addressee and it just happened to coincide with the time that I was expecting one of the most important packages of my life, which, in hindsight, will probably arrive via standard mail while I'm gone and without fanfare because hey, that's how real life actually goes.

So for now I'm back to obsessively checking the mailbox and putting those happy feet on hold...

"The Little Mermaid" and Other Evil Deeds of the Disney Empire

Steven and I watched “The Little Mermaid” this past week in a moment of nostalgia. The last time I watched this movie was through roughly 16 year-old eyes, but this time around I realized something that I never would have caught onto in the flower of youth: This movie might be single-handedly responsible for the misery of my generation.

Ok, gross dramatics aside, I do still love this movie in spite of its inherently evil nature. I admit it freely and I’m even STILL walking around belting “Part of Your World” at the top of my lungs (much to the dismay of anyone in earshot). I dare anyone to watch this movie and try to keep the tunes from taking root in that spot in your subconscious just between the brain and the vocal chords. It can’t be done.

So where does the evil come in, you ask?

 “The Little Mermaid” premiered in 1989 when my generation was around the 8-12 year-old mark; in other words, the age of spongehood when we soak up every little input around us and hardwire it into our emerging picture of “The World and How Things Work.” Now let’s take a look at some of the lessons we would have taken from this legacy of Disney and see why things probably didn’t work out quite right for us in the long run.

1.      Fathers always favor the prettiest daughter and give her everything she wants. That’s a recipe for some violent sibling rivalry, alright.

2.      Hotness is the primary requirement for marriage. Not a new misconception, but for some reason it’s easier to believe Disney about love than it is to accept the fact that the sky-rocketing divorce rate just knocked Cupid out of orbit.

3.      Money, especially title and/or royalty, is the secondary requirement. I think we all know how this one works...

4.      See that hot 16 year-old that you know nothing about? You should make out with her. For proof, see soundtrack for “Kiss the Girl.”

5.   Only the beautiful people get to fall in love and be happy. Seriously? When I think of some of the 'beautiful' people I've known I'm pretty sure their happiest relationship is the one they have with the mirror.

Now, with this in mind, take a look at the romantic history of all of us Generation Y-ers. You’re nodding your head with empathetic understanding now, aren’t you?  I have to wonder... Did Disney intend to litter our lives with broken hearts, false hopes, and completely skewed concepts of what a successful relationship really entails? Unless the magical corporation was investing in tissue and ice cream ventures all along, well, probably not. 

Passive is for Pansies

I, as a writer, am formally renouncing my habit of overly using the passive voice in my fiction. For the sake of readers everywhere, I will also henceforth ban the use of the following formulaic sentence structure in my writing: "As the Noun Verbed Adverbly..."

Adverbs and adjectives do not necessarily improve prose. But they do improve word count, if we can define 'improve' in this case as 'to increase in size.'

Nobody wants to read that 'the doe's heart was pierced by an arrow flown from the hunter's steady hand." They just want to know that the hunter shot the deer and his hungry family had venison for dinner instead of old potatoes.

There are thousands of possible active verbs that I could be using, and if I can't think of one at the time, then I'll make one up. Yes, you heard me. I will make one up. You can't tell me that doesn't take balls.

Now, as manifestos go, I'm sure this one is pretty weak. But from now on I'm standing by my new conviction - The passive voice truly is for pansies.

NASA's Perception Problem

While reading the NASA News Brief this morning I came across an article from ABC News regarding a misuse of tax dollars by reimbursing employees who sought degree programs at for-profit institutions. http://abcnews.go.com/US/nasa-misuses-14-million-tax-dollars-oig-audit/story?id=14271958

When I started reading this article, I expected to see it name degrees such as Art History or some liberal arts degree in which one would be hard put to identify a benefit to the Agency. But Business administration? Human Resources? These are two areas which do undoubtedly benefit the agency and contribute to mission success. A higher education in Business Management and Human Resources enables these employees to provide a higher level of service in these areas, thereby freeing those working to achieve NASA’s scientific and engineering missions from the burden of added administrative tasks. That the article specified only non-technical employees also bothered me deeply as it is contrary to the inclusion initiative that our own Center is championing. Are these programs at for-profit colleges costly? Yes.  Are they valuable to NASA? Also a yes. The dagger in these for-profit programs lies in the fact that they frequently have the most comprehensive and accessible online degree programs for working adults needing an accelerated program and with that knowledge they can charge a premium for their services – something that is 100% allowed if not encouraged by our free-market (though less free than previously) capitalist economy.

As a contractor, I am completely unaffected by the Agency’s policy of academic reimbursement for their civil service employees. As a taxpayer, however (not to mention one who knows through experience that most scientists and engineers wouldn’t be good candidates for an MBA), I am bothered that the government deems the academic improvement of those wanting to pursue business careers at NASA as a misuse of taxpayer funds. A solid business foundation is extremely crucial to the running of any large entity, whether it is governmental or corporate in nature, but it would unfortunately appear that the public perception of possible waste is a greater threat than the loss of any intrinsic value to be gained with developing our much-needed business staff.

This is an unfortunate situation, and while I’d love to believe that this is a cultural and transitional phenomenon, I can’t quite force myself to shed the nagging certainty that this perception issue is here to stay. What pushes me over the edge in that fear is buried in the article itself – the article is boldly entitled “NASA Misuses $1.4 Million In Tax Dollars, Says OIG Audit”.  Emphasis on ‘Misuses’ in this case. Now cut to emphasis on my previous paragraph: ‘possible waste.’ While the article states that “the OIG said it was not clear what benefit NASA received for its $1.4 million investment in academic courses for these employees,” both the OIG and the media are seemingly anxious to brand this as a misappropriation. Since when did a status of Not Clear become a verdict of Guilty?

Both the executive and legislative arms of the government are no longer the once strong allies that would stand up for us and protect NASA’s ability to complete extraordinary missions.  Therefore, most hurtful of all of this, perhaps, is that NASA gained yet another unwarranted black eye in the media when favorable public opinion is needed now more than ever.

Next Novel Prologue - THE HOTTING

Here is the intro to my next novel set in the magical world of Aevum. Look for this one to continue the adventures of Trotter and Prowler while spoofing many modern political issues of the day. It will also include pirates, gypsies, dragons, magicians, head-strong royalty, and a token geek. Why? Because I can.

It had to start sometime. If by start you actually mean end, that is.

The northernmost point in the bowl of Aevum only sees the sun once every 2,000 years, and even then it only drifts near enough to spill a few hapless rays before remembering itself and backing away in embarrassment. Not that it does any good; the meager rays left behind freeze before they even reach the ground. Everything freezes instantly here, even the intangible. Dotting the borders of this land are small specks in the sky, their wings spread, frozen forever in the final arc of flight as they flew too near the edges of the Temporal Ice Plains.

These are the rimebirds, the only creature in the known universes to have developed a circulatory system with anti-freeze. For daring explorers out to see the famous northern lights, their ominous final flights marked the no-go zone, where the Ice Plains begin and even time itself freezes. Should anyone have been able to survive a trip across the plains they would have seen pockets of time holding humans and even strange creatures from the furthest reaches of time and imagination in terrifying statuesque scenes. They had been frozen in the early days when the temporal freeze was still expanding, laying unseen traps for those who hunted and lived near the once-habitable plains. It had been a storm that lasted millennia, one with all of the power of a hurricane and the haste of mountains. But the boundaries had been stable for centuries now, the birds on its fringe anywhere from dozens to hundreds of years old.

High above the blue expanse of the plains, facing south toward the sun were it not so far away, was the tiniest ruffling of white feathers. This was followed by a larger rustle as a wing caught wind for the first time in decades, and followed further by the squawking of a bird with some very confused memories and stiff wings as it fell away from the borders of the Temporal Ice Plains.  Further away, another white dot wheeled similarly away from its prison in the frozen pocket of time.

Unseen, a few strands of belated time uncurled from the fringe like lazy smoke and drifted out into the world.

Winter was ending. Something new was beginning. Something new, and also something very old.